I didn't raise kids in my 20's...
I didn't raise kids in my 20's. But that doesn't mean I wasn't becoming a mother. Because in my 20's I got to work raising my SELF. My own parents did a super good job getting me to independence, but there was still a lot of deepening of my sense of Self, unlearning, letting go and refining to be done. A challenging and confronting task - especially when you feel so alone. But just like raising kids, this experience is one that is utterly rewarding, expansive and full of love.
I didn't wake up to a screaming child at 4am not knowing what they needed or how to soothe them. Instead I woke myself up on numerous occasions, way before the sun hit the horizon, with intense body sensations, a palpitating heart and a racing mind. Trying to understand what was happening inside my body was sometimes like trying to communicate with a small child. My mind wanted to understand what was happening in my body but we spoke such different languages. We had different ideas, different perceptions and different ways of dealing with things. And my body was definitely not going to stay quiet anymore. It all had to come to the surface. The beautiful thing was that through this experience, the different parts of 'me' had to learn how to get along. My mind and intellect had to learn how to surrender. My body had to re-learn how to let go and feel safe in doing that. And I had to remember that the deepest aspect of myself was the witness. I was not in control here. I was in service. And whatever needed to be done, I was here to create, nurture and facilitate that transformation.
I didn't have to spend hours on end teaching a new little being how to walk, talk and not throw food on the floors and walls (while cleaning up behind them). Instead I had to teach myself how to really communicate; how negative thoughts create negative actions. And I had to clean up the mess I had created in my life from ignoring how both myself and those around me felt.
I may not have had the opportunity of looking at a small human I had created and feeling waves of unconditional love. But through raising myself, I discovered a far greater self-love that allowed me to be OK with me. And not just OK, but really love being in this body, in this unknown unrefined version of my life. This has continued to deepen and unconditional love for all is growing each and every day.
I didn’t raise a family in my 20’s, but I did raise a tribe. I put my love and attention into cultivating community, with the intention of sharing, supporting and growing together. And I continue to be surrounded by the most wonderful humans in this ever growing community whom I love with all my heart.
I discovered that whatever way of life you choose to walk, at anytime in your life, you simply want to walk it well. With devotion. With presence. And always with love.